Thursday, September 10, 2009

You Can't Fuck Your Fans!

I have learned many life lessons. Throughout my career as a comedian, writer and director, one motto rings trues------Never Fuck Your Fans!

We all have them. Cheerleaders--the ones that no matter what you do, are always there to support you, honor you and make you feel like the superstar you are. Many people will pretend to be on your team...but when the lights fade, the curtain drops and you are backstage---your true blue fans are the ones waiting in the wings to shower you with love and admiration. But no matter how amazing this feels...

You Can't Fuck Them!

Maybe you are a successful professional woman, climbing the ranks, and your dedication to "making it" has made is so that you have not had any good loving for weeks, months, maybe even years. Yeah, I know some hot chicks that can get a promotion but can't ever get a date or some dick!

But, no matter have your adoring fans...the young boys in the mail room that just got out of jail and are in the work release program at your job. They get excited because "edumakated" women like yourself never give them the time of day. They watch your hips sway in the Ralph Lauren Skirt you scored at TJ Maxx and love to watch you walk in your clearance rack 9 west shoes. You entice them. They are your biggest fans! But as soon as you get drunk at the office "Holiday Party" and let one of them hit it on a box of Hammermill® Color Copy 8 1/2" x 11" Paper.....Guess What..your copy requests will no longer be a priority, and mysteriously your Fed-Ex Overnight packages will never get processed on time.

Never Fuck Your Fans!

Guys have fans too. You know, that chick that is the hot waitress at the local spot you run to for lunch everyday with your co-workers. She's pretty as hell, but has "hood rat like" tendencies, and always tells you she is about to go to school to be a home health aide and this job is helping her pay for her "books and stuff". She is really feeling you, always makes sure you get a table right away, hooks you up with the deluxe platter upgrade with the fries free of charge, and no matter what you order your bill is never over $7. You even take your business clients there for lunch, your treat, because you know shorty will look out for you. Of course she will..she's a fan! You tip her well, and she didn't even have to swing on a pole! She's not used to that....which make her love you even more!

But then you make the mistake and invite her to an end of the summer Bar-B-Que your boys "Dirty Ass Mike, Poochie
and Black" (they work in the mailroom) are having. You get a little "lifted" and the next thing you know she's giving you head on the bottom bunk bed (twin sized) that Mike still sleeps on in his momma basement. You thought it was all fun, but after 37 missed calls from her on Sunday, you go to the restaurant Monday only to find there is a picture of you up on the wall wanted for "Skipping Out on Bills" you are banned! (Damn, you loved those fries!)

You should have never fucked your fan!

I have a neighborhood stalker. He loves me! He's a fan. I can't walk anywhere in my neighborhood without hearing "hello miss lady!" I turn around, it's alway him. The street soldier. Wearing his basic street soldier uniform----over sized white Tee, sagging jeans and Timbs---"Hey Miss Lady..I want to come to one of your comedy shows..i saw you on BET"
He's told all of the guys on the block about my comedy...they come to my shows....he's my walking billboard...Im a hood star on Marcus Garvey and Fulton because of him!

Sometimes I am afraid to tell him when I have a show, for fear of him breaking into my apartment because he knows I am not home....but nevertheless....I need him...and he needs me me! He keeps my name in the streets..he's my street Don King! But if I fuck him, it's all over!

I have made the mistake of fucking a fan or two in my day.....always with the same results! It goes against the brand that I am building! If you want to have success in a strong fan base....they will go with you all the way! But whatever you do.....don't fuck them!!

If you want to be one of my fans, come and check me out September 30th @ The Laugh Lounge for the "Comedy On The Hump Show". It's FREE for Ladies! The show is featuring all female comedians...and it will be a lot of fun! 7pm 2 drink minimum / 151 Essex Street! See you there!!

1 comment:

E's said...

Now that's funny stuff! And never, ever, ever, ever, give your business card to a ratted out "fan". I did that once, the girl was blowing up my VM at work! I had to tell her, if I don't answer my cell, I can't talk! Don't ever use my work number! I actually yelled wit the mean face - not my reg MO. LOL