Wednesday, September 30, 2009
**Special Offer For Broke Guys in NYC TONITE..Keep Reading***
Yes it's true! Although I am full of "girl-power" I am also Every Guy's Best Friend! Since I love the fella's so much, I wanted to give you all some helpful dating tips. We all know it is a recession, and because of that many guys feels like money problems are keeping them from getting quality women. During these hard economic times, I've seen many of my guy friends start to date "undesirables": hood-rats, pretty girls with low self esteem, ugly girls, fat chicks (yes I said it, unfortunately many men feel like some full-figured women are "easy" to impress....I'm not one of them). I understand your plight, beautiful, sophisticated, well-educated, intelligent, successful brilliant women like myself (and all of my Diva friends) cost money. Yes, we do! You have to pay to play. But just because you are a broke dude, or working with limited funds doesn't mean that you can't play! Your play dates just need to be more creative. That's where I come in. I'm here to help you! And of course I have my own selfish reasons as well. I'm tired of having girl nights, sipping cosmos, sitting around with a bunch of single, fabulous, chicks crying about how we are intimidating! We are not intimidating, dudes are just broke as hell! The truth of the matter is we need men as much as they need us. I love my girls, I believe in women being strong and confident...but it's time for all these strong successful sista's to get a date and a meal with a large side of penis! There are just some things that Double A batteries and a silver bullet can not provide!
Here are 5 ways to get laid, by a top quality chick, even if you've been laid off!
1. Breakfast & A Matinee
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day..and it's also the cheapest! She can order everything on the menu, and your bill will still be under $15! Add a cool matinee movie in the mix, and now you've taken the typical "dinner & movie" date, flipped it and cut your bill in half. Make sure you tell her "I'm really feeling you, so I want to start my day with you. How about we meet for breakfast and go see an early movie, and you'll have the rest of the day to take care of things and do you!" She'll call her girls and say "Guuuurl, he is so cool and DIFFERENT! he really likes me. We are going to breakfast girl! See, I knew he wasn't just trying to sleep with me!" And then guess what, my mid-day you all will be fucking!
2. Culture is FREE!
Every city has FREE cultural events that are open to the public. For instance, in NYC Target sponsors "First Saturdays" at The Brooklyn Museum, which is one of the most beautiful museums in the city. You get to see all the exhibits for free, enjoy panel discussions and performances by amazing musical artists, and the Grand Ballroom has a party with a DJ spinning classic hip-hop, r&b and soul music. It's all FREE! In Chicago, Millennium Park offers free jazz concerts by The Chicago Jazz Ensemble and free dance performances by the Joffrey Ballet. Atlanta, Charlotte, LA, Houston and all city in between have free cultural events. She'll be so impressed by your "appreciation of the arts" she will never notice that your ass is broke!
3. Get Some Class!
Get free guest passes to an amazing gym, and take the lady of your choice to pilates class! Better yet, find a free yoga class or dance class! The Chicago Park District offers free yoga and pilates, in LA the Lululemon Morningside Showroom offers free yoga on Sunday, in Charlotte there are FREE “WEDNESDAY NIGHT SALSA SOCIALS” at World Dance Center. This is a great way to show off your stamina, endurance and "physical abilities" to a woman, and both of you can knock a couple of pounds off together! Since I love the fella's in Brooklyn so much I asked my trainer AJA DAVIS to let you guys come to her BOOTCAMP for free. Go to http://www.newbodybootcampNYC.com and type in code 2WK456 and Aja will let you work out at her bootcamp for FREE for 2 weeks. Let her know I sent you!!
4. HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!
There is nothing that a Happy Hour won't fix! Most bars in the middle of the city have a Happy Hour with two-for-1 drink specials and cheap bar food. This way you can have a quick, fun meeting right after work. Opps...I forgot some of you do not have jobs. Well, you can still meet her once SHE gets off from work at the Happy Hour. Unless she is a complete alcoholic , most women with class with limit themselves to 2 cocktails on a date. Get her some hot wings for $5, and you just won brownie points. Shoot some darts, play a little pool and be out of there by 9pm.
5. Spa at Home or "Rub & Tug"
Start this night off by going shopping and cooking her a great cheap meal at home. Once she's done, offer her one of her favorite spa services like a pedicure! Then let her soak in a soothing aromatherapy bath, prepared by YOU! Once that is done, give her an amazing hot oil full body massage and top it off with a HAPPY ENDING! Yes, make her feel GUUUUUD with just your tongue and fingers! Kiss her on the forehead and send her to bed! Trust me! The rewards you will get from treating her like this are ENDLESS!
I love you guys!! Have fun...u cheap bastards!
For the fellas in NYC: Tonite I am performing at the LAUGH LOUNGE for Ladies NIght @ the Comedy On The Hump Show! All ladies get in free! The first 10 guys to write me can get on my guest list tonite and get in FREE to see the show. Bring the lady of your choice, she gets in free anyway! There is still a 2 drink minimum! Let me know by 6pm if you want to be on my guest list tonite!!! Send an email to email@example.com with FREE TIX on the subject line!!!! I will send you back a confirmation email!!!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I have learned many life lessons. Throughout my career as a comedian, writer and director, one motto rings trues------Never Fuck Your Fans!
We all have them. Cheerleaders--the ones that no matter what you do, are always there to support you, honor you and make you feel like the superstar you are. Many people will pretend to be on your team...but when the lights fade, the curtain drops and you are backstage---your true blue fans are the ones waiting in the wings to shower you with love and admiration. But no matter how amazing this feels...
You Can't Fuck Them!
Maybe you are a successful professional woman, climbing the ranks, and your dedication to "making it" has made is so that you have not had any good loving for weeks, months, maybe even years. Yeah, I know some hot chicks that can get a promotion but can't ever get a date or some dick!
But, no matter what....you have your adoring fans...the young boys in the mail room that just got out of jail and are in the work release program at your job. They get excited because "edumakated" women like yourself never give them the time of day. They watch your hips sway in the Ralph Lauren Skirt you scored at TJ Maxx and love to watch you walk in your clearance rack 9 west shoes. You entice them. They are your biggest fans! But as soon as you get drunk at the office "Holiday Party" and let one of them hit it on a box of Hammermill® Color Copy 8 1/2" x 11" Paper.....Guess What..your copy requests will no longer be a priority, and mysteriously your Fed-Ex Overnight packages will never get processed on time.
Never Fuck Your Fans!
Guys have fans too. You know, that chick that is the hot waitress at the local spot you run to for lunch everyday with your co-workers. She's pretty as hell, but has "hood rat like" tendencies, and always tells you she is about to go to school to be a home health aide and this job is helping her pay for her "books and stuff". She is really feeling you, always makes sure you get a table right away, hooks you up with the deluxe platter upgrade with the fries free of charge, and no matter what you order your bill is never over $7. You even take your business clients there for lunch, your treat, because you know shorty will look out for you. Of course she will..she's a fan! You tip her well, and she didn't even have to swing on a pole! She's not used to that....which make her love you even more!
But then you make the mistake and invite her to an end of the summer Bar-B-Que your boys "Dirty Ass Mike, Poochie and Black" (they work in the mailroom) are having. You get a little "lifted" and the next thing you know she's giving you head on the bottom bunk bed (twin sized) that Mike still sleeps on in his momma basement. You thought it was all fun, but after 37 missed calls from her on Sunday, you go to the restaurant Monday only to find there is a picture of you up on the wall wanted for "Skipping Out on Bills"...now you are banned! (Damn, you loved those fries!)
You should have never fucked your fan!
I have a neighborhood stalker. He loves me! He's a fan. I can't walk anywhere in my neighborhood without hearing "hello miss lady!" I turn around, it's alway him. The street soldier. Wearing his basic street soldier uniform----over sized white Tee, sagging jeans and Timbs---"Hey Miss Lady..I want to come to one of your comedy shows..i saw you on BET"
He's told all of the guys on the block about my comedy...they come to my shows....he's my walking billboard...Im a hood star on Marcus Garvey and Fulton because of him!
Sometimes I am afraid to tell him when I have a show, for fear of him breaking into my apartment because he knows I am not home....but nevertheless....I need him...and he needs me me! He keeps my name in the streets..he's my street team...my Don King! But if I fuck him, it's all over!
I have made the mistake of fucking a fan or two in my day.....always with the same results! It goes against the brand that I am building! If you want to have success in life....build a strong fan base....they will go with you all the way! But whatever you do.....don't fuck them!!
If you want to be one of my fans, come and check me out September 30th @ The Laugh Lounge for the "Comedy On The Hump Show". It's FREE for Ladies! The show is featuring all female comedians...and it will be a lot of fun! 7pm 2 drink minimum / 151 Essex Street! See you there!!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
AM I GAY?
It's not that I question my own sexual orientation, but a lot of people do. Recently I reconnected with a friend of mine from high school and she said "Erica, I heard that you are gay, and that you have a lesbian girlfriend that lives in Jamaica who is a doctor!" I said " Yes, her name is Escovitch! That's the only Jamaican fish I eat!" For some reason, ever since college, there have been a handful of people that have thought that I am gay! I do not know why!
Well, for a minute I was like "maybe I am" .... why would people say it unless I gave off a vibe or something? The thing is, lesbians never think I am gay, it's only straight women! Every time I smile at a lesbian she gives me that "Why the hell is that fat straight girl smiling at me" look! So I am confused! Why do some straight folks think I am gay?
Well, not only do straight women think I am gay, but strippers do to! A couple of months ago, I went to the strip club with three of my friends who will remain nameless to protect the innocent. Actually, scratch that...cause none of them were innocent....their names are ERIKA, JAY and STAN!!
I have always wanted to be a stripper. They say if you want to figure out what your stripper name would be, you have to take your childhood pet name and add your childhood street on to it. So, in that case my name is Kitty-Poo Drexel. Kitty-poo was the little dirty cat we had that hissed at my brother Eric too many times, so my parents got rid of it..and DREXEL is the street where I spent all of my life!!!
But actually, I think if I was a stripper I would call myself "RED VELVET" because I love RED VELVET CAKE. As I pop...grind...and swing around the pole... I would pull out pieces of RED VELVET cake from between my legs and give it out to the men that tipped me!!! That sounds nasty!!
Back to the Strip Club....we went to the CRAZY HORSE CABARET in the BRONX. Jay gave me and Erika $100 a piece in singles to give out to the women who were dancing. I thought is was all in fun.....a novelty.....until one of the strippers...who was gorgeous, seemed to be very fond of me and Erika. She came over by me and started dancing. First let me say, I am STRAIGHT....but this girl's body was banging...especially for guys who like very thick women!!!
I gave her a dollar..and the next thing i know....in one swift move she ended up sitting in front of me with her legs wrapped around my neck! HOW DID SHE DO THAT? I felt violated, yet intrigued/inspired at the same time.
I guess I looked so startled that she tried to comfort me....(with her coochie in my face, ofcourse). I said to her. "Hey! I'm straight! I think!!" and she stopped and looked in my eyes and said "I can fix that!"
At that moment I totally understood how men can get addicted to these clubs. It's all a hustle!! These women make you think they like you...but it's all about the money!!! This girl was trying to hustle me!!! And SHE DID!! She got all of my damn money!!! I felt like a fool!!! After that, I was determine not to give out any more money that night!!!!
But, the most intriguing thing is after all my money was gone...the girl came and sat down to talk with me. I figured she was trying to get me to buy a VIP Lap Dance!!! She was out of her mind!!!
I told her I didn't have anymore money and that I was pretty sure I was straight!! Anyway, she turned to me and said "I just wanted to tell you that you are a beautiful full-figured woman, and I wish I had your confidence!"
WHAT THE HELL?
She told me that she was 19 years old, and that she had low self esteem and that's why she dances. This girl was so pretty, so sexy and the perfect size to ME...but to herself she was ugly and unworthy!!! I was amazed!!!
Here I am, looking at her, thinking "If only I had her body, I would be rich!"...but she HAS the body and is not satisfied!!
I realized at that moment that ALL women, regardless of size, have the ability to have low esteem!! Sometimes I think pretty smaller girls have it made!! Maybe they do....but not if they don't know it!!! Even many of the men in the room looking at the dancers have LOW SELF ESTEEM!!
I always tell people, "I can't wait to loose weight so that I can be a stripper!"....and even though I say it as a joke, the underlining message is that I too do not feel worthy to show off or feel sexy unless I am smaller. So I am no different than the stripper!! And, she is no different than me!!
After talking to her....I decided that from now on, I am going to stop waiting until I loose weight....and start celebrating my body TODAY!!!! I am going to get butt naked and dance in my living room to some Too Live Crew music and start practicing my moves....so whenever the day comes...when I feel confident in myself...no matter what size I am....I can be the stripper I have always wanted to be!!! In the privacy of my own home of course....for my HUSBAND (or some random dude.. with low self esteem)..whichever comes first!
After I left the Crazy Horse Cabaret....I realized that I am in love with a STRIPPER...and her name is Erica "RED VELVET" Watson!!
So basically, I went to the strip club and left there attracted to a very special girl: ME!!!!
***shout out to http://www.mokojumbie.net for that cute pic!