Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Recession Proof Coochie: How to get Laid if You're Laid Off!

**Special Offer For Broke Guys in NYC TONITE..Keep Reading***

Yes it's true! Although I am full of "girl-power" I am also Every Guy's Best Friend! Since I love the fella's so much, I wanted to give you all some helpful dating tips. We all know it is a recession, and because of that many guys feels like money problems are keeping them from getting quality women. During these hard economic times, I've seen many of my guy friends start to date "undesirables": hood-rats, pretty girls with low self esteem, ugly girls, fat chicks (yes I said it, unfortunately many men feel like some full-figured women are "easy" to impress....I'm not one of them). I understand your plight, beautiful, sophisticated, well-educated, intelligent, successful brilliant women like myself (and all of my Diva friends) cost money. Yes, we do! You have to pay to play. But just because you are a broke dude, or working with limited funds doesn't mean that you can't play! Your play dates just need to be more creative.
That's where I come in. I'm here to help you! And of course I have my own selfish reasons as well. I'm tired of having girl nights, sipping cosmos, sitting around with a bunch of single, fabulous, chicks crying about how we are intimidating! We are not intimidating, dudes are just broke as hell! The truth of the matter is we need men as much as they need us. I love my girls, I believe in women being strong and confident...but it's time for all these strong successful sista's to get a date and a meal with a large side of penis! There are just some things that Double A batteries and a silver bullet can not provide!

Here are 5 ways to get laid, by a top quality chick, even if you've been laid off!

1. Breakfast & A Matinee

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day..and it's also the cheapest! She can order everything on the menu, and your bill will still be under $15! Add a cool matinee movie in the mix, and now you've taken the typical "dinner & movie" date, flipped it and cut your bill in half. Make sure you tell her "I'm really feeling you, so I want to start my day with you. How about we meet for breakfast and go see an early movie, and you'll have the rest of the day to take care of things and do you!" She'll call her girls and say "Guuuurl, he is so cool and DIFFERENT! he really likes me. We are going to breakfast girl! See, I knew he wasn't just trying to sleep with me!" And then guess what, my mid-day you all will be fucking!

2. Culture is FREE!
Every city has FREE cultural events that are open to the public. For instance, in NYC Target sponsors "First Saturdays" at The Brooklyn Museum, which is one of the most beautiful museums in the city. You get to see all the exhibits for free, enjoy panel discussions and performances by amazing musical artists, and the Grand Ballroom has a party with a DJ spinning classic hip-hop, r&b and soul music. It's all FREE! In Chicago, Millennium Park offers free jazz concerts by The Chicago Jazz Ensemble and free dance performances by the Joffrey Ballet. Atlanta, Charlotte, LA, Houston and all city in between have free cultural events. She'll be so impressed by your "appreciation of the arts" she will never notice that your ass is broke!

3. Get Some Class!

Get free guest passes to an amazing gym, and take the lady of your choice to pilates class! Better yet, find a free yoga class or dance class! The Chicago Park District offers free yoga and pilates, in LA the Lululemon Morningside Showroom offers free yoga on Sunday, in Charlotte there are
FREE “WEDNESDAY NIGHT SALSA SOCIALS” at World Dance Center. This is a great way to show off your stamina, endurance and "physical abilities" to a woman, and both of you can knock a couple of pounds off together! Since I love the fella's in Brooklyn so much I asked my trainer AJA DAVIS to let you guys come to her BOOTCAMP for free. Go to and type in code 2WK456 and Aja will let you work out at her bootcamp for FREE for 2 weeks. Let her know I sent you!!

There is nothing that a Happy Hour won't fix! Most bars in the middle of the city have a Happy Hour with two-for-1 drink specials and cheap bar food. This way you can have a quick, fun meeting right after work. Opps...I forgot some of you do not have jobs. Well, you can still meet her once SHE gets off from work at the Happy Hour. Unless she is a complete alcoholic , most women with class with limit themselves to 2 cocktails on a date. Get her some hot wings for $5, and you just won brownie points. Shoot some darts, play a little pool and be out of there by 9pm.

5. Spa at Home or "Rub & Tug"
Start this night off by going shopping and cooking her a great cheap meal at home. Once she's done, offer her one of her favorite spa services like a pedicure! Then let her soak in a soothing aromatherapy bath, prepared by YOU! Once that is done, give her an amazing hot oil full body massage and top it off with a HAPPY ENDING! Yes, make her feel GUUUUUD with just your tongue and fingers! Kiss her on the forehead and send her to bed! Trust me! The rewards you will get from treating her like this are ENDLESS!

I love you guys!! Have fun...u cheap bastards!

For the fellas in NYC: Tonite I am performing at the LAUGH LOUNGE for Ladies NIght @ the Comedy On The Hump Show! All ladies get in free! The first 10 guys to write me can get on my guest list tonite and get in FREE to see the show. Bring the lady of your choice, she gets in free anyway! There is still a 2 drink minimum! Let me know by 6pm if you want to be on my guest list tonite!!! Send an email to with FREE TIX on the subject line!!!! I will send you back a confirmation email!!!


E's said...

LOL. All good advice. Broke guys love the "undesirables". LOL. But it's true, you can still tap dimes on a budget, with creativity. Good post.

Kathy Hardney said...

Wow E you broke it down!! I know some dudes almost 50 and they dony know these things...