Monday, April 12, 2010

Losing With Jilllian: HIDE & GO SEEK

I think most of you know that last week I appeared on The Dr. Phil Show as a expert panelist for the "Great Fat Debate". It was a very interesting show, and has changed my life in many ways.

Dr. Phil hooked me up with the fabulous Jillian Michaels, and now she is my personal trainer. Since she has been working with me, I realize now more than ever that losing weight is just as much of a mental transformation, as a physical one. I am struggling.

I have tried to lose weight before, but this is the first time that I have been challenged to really dig deep into the emotional side of my relationship with food. I have had awesome fitness trainers in the past, but nothing worked because I was not being honest with myself about my "food issues".

During my first 2 weeks with Jillian I lost weight, but then last week I went to New Orleans to visit my extended family and I gained it all back! WTF?

I confessed to Jillian by email that I have not been as focused as I should and she wrote me back right away, and I will not share everything with you, but this is what struck me the most:

"Erica, the real question is what does your weight afford you? Because it has a powerful hold over you. The emotional security it provides is seemingly worth more than your life right now.
If you figure out why you hide behind the weight then you can begin to heal the bigger issues that drive you to eat!"

I read that and instantly tears rolled down my face. Yes, I am suffering from PMS right now, and extremely emotional. But at that moment it hit me that I use the weight to protect me from HIDE from SOMETHING...but from what?

Hide & Seek was one of my favorite games as a child, but now it has much deeper meaning in this situation. Who or What am I hiding from? Why does my weight have such a powerful hold over me? It's time to seek answers.

As a kid, I loved to play the game, but I was always first to get caught. I always ran slower than everyone else, and my hiding places were so predictable. But when it comes to my weight loss issue, this game of Hide & Seek has been more challenging. I have not been so quick to find myself....I've been hiding my emotions in all of the wrong places, and I need to catch myself now!

For one, I know that I use weight as an excuse for many things in my life. If I do not get a film role, it's because of my weight. If I do not get a guy, it's because of my weight!

Failure has never scared me! I take the challenge head on. But SUCCESS...that's another story. I think I am fearful of it. If I lose weight, there is nothing to hold me back from being an amazing success story! Can I handle success?

As you read this, please do not get me wrong, I love myself, and I know that I am worthy of love and success no matter what my size. But I want a higher quality of life that losing weight will afford me. Maybe you can flourish being your size, but I want to lose so that I can shine the way I WANT TO!

As I work with Jillian, I pray that she is patient with me. This is going to be the hardest game of Hide & Seek ever played!

****Jillian is my inspiration because SUCCESS does not scare her at all. She is on the cover of Success Magazine this month. Check her out!


It Ain't Easy said...

Wow. That's deep, and this is well written. Thanks for sharing with us. You have so many people that support you, Erica! We're rooting for you, girl. You will win!

Anonymous said...

Nice blog Erica! xoxo Joy

dakinkykid said...

You have always been a beautiful person. Grateful to know such a powerful black sister. Do you boo. Change can be nice...

supersize spanishfly said...

It seems you are hardest on yourself sis,forgiving yourself is one of the harder parts of any recovery.But you are so on your way,it's a process hun,so please...No apologies owe no one an apology for loving yourself enough to face your issues and seek optimal wellness.
I love you girl and am here to support you even though my ass got issues too...don't we all??

Actress/Model/Singer/Songwriter/Writer/Motivational Speaker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Actress/Model/Singer/Songwriter/Writer/Motivational Speaker said...

Whew! I am calling you TODAY to discuss this some more! Thanks for being so transparent. God bless you!

ajanamarie said...

I see you, Erica. You are amazing. You are beauty. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I am inspired. Know that as you keep connecting with your God self, you will see success in your physical, mental, and spiritual self. The pounds will melt away. This is Law!

Goody said...

i pray that you will be patient with yourself.

weight no matter what form it comes in or takes on can be difficult to bear and shed.

we have to choose and follow our own journeys in life.

if people don't understand that, that's their problem not yours so you don't owe folks explanations.

rooting for you all the way!

Unknown said...


I did catch your episode on Dr. Phil (a show I don't normally keep up with). I was so happy and relieved to hear someone singing my song.

I love your blog!

Rlene said...

I totally understand. We often demonstrate courage. We fight for ourselves and others and yet within our essence we secretly harbour (and even nurture)our failure(s). Be gentle yet firm with yourself. Tears will be shed, perhaps a few rants against the tyrants of lives but you shall transcend and flourish.
Hugs (and a box of Puffs with lotion, girl gotta keep her face smooth when tears are shed)
Rlene (your biggest Chicago fan)